Did a little dumpster diving and pulled the bleed screw from my old radiator. Luckily, it was in better shape than the "new" one and it threaded in fine. Good thing they make the screw from a softer material then the radiator! (probably intentional for obvious reasons)
Here was the new one. Didn't take much to make it worthless.

Old one. Must have been a harder material, or I was just being way more careful with installing it. Still beat up enough that I am asking Pelican to send me a free new one lol. FUCK I hate plastic threads.

Basically, the reason these screws are such a pain in the ass for everyone is because they are used sort of the same way that the valve cover bolts are (and everyone strips them lol). It is set up to limit the compression on the rubber O-ring so that it doesn't get over-compressed and split/crack. So, tighten it JUST enough that the plastic screw head hits the plastic radiator boss. Stop there as that is the best seal you are going to get. Here's a little illustration.
