I figured I'd update this thread because this experience provided a bit of valuable info.
First off, I need multimeter lessons.
Secondly, my first hunch was right.
I just got the car back from the dealer (ouch.), it was the fuel pump.
The replacement pump that I purchased at autozone (Airtek IIRC) was faulty. My replacement/soldering job was fine, dealer reported that the pump did receive power, but it wouldn't pump, leading me down the CPS/relay road.
I could have sworn I used the multimeter to measure the plug properly, but reality states otherwise.
So to sum up:
1. New fuel pumps aren't always good.
2. 814 Ohms isn't too high of a reading for a new crank sensor as my car runs perfectly now.
3. Learn to use a multimeter to measure things other than resistance.