At long last, the inspection light is out! It turns out, the fuel pump and instrument fuses (#10 & #11) were cross-wired, presumably at the factory. I don't see any other possible reason to switch them. The reason I could not reset the light was my instruments, being on the fuel pump circuit, were being controlled by the fuel pump circuit breaker, which means if the engine isn't turning, the fuel pump ain't pumping, so no power to the cluster. So, whenever I turned the key to #2 without starting the engine, the fuel pump would run when it wasn't supposed to and the cluster would switch off. No power to the cluster means no reset on the inspection light. Now I just have to figure out what has been driving my fuel pump all these years. Presumably, this is the first time the inspection light has ever been turned off.